Imelda Rodríguez

Professor Broadous

P.A.S 113 B

April 24 2012

A Lesson Learned

In the book “A Lesson Before dying” the author, Ernest Gaines, uses his personal experience as inspiration to his book. He is capable of manipulating his life experiences as part of the African American struggle in the 1940’s. Ernest Gaines used his living conditions in the plantation to create a story that would portray the struggle of the 1940 African American men, the era of Jim Crow law. Jim Crow laws are related to the separation of African American and whites. Ernest Gaines grew in a plantation and envisioned what he saw or what he understood at those times as a reflection in his book. In an article written called A Conversation with Ernest Gaines he says “I did not go to history books for truth. I went to history books for some facts that I wanted to have, but not truth because history and truth are different.” He used history in A lesson Before Dying to explore the idea within the African American point of view. Ernest Gaines found his foundation of what an African American went through in the 1940’s with his character Grant Wiggins. Grant Wiggins is a character which Ernest Gaines infuses the frustration of discrimination, internal struggle of being a color man and change of African American embodied in the 1940’s.

Grant Wiggins is an African American man who grew up in a Louisiana plantation, working as a young boy he had an opportunity to go to college and get an education. Although he graduated to be a teacher he went through the same struggles of every African American man. His education does not make any of the white people respect him any different. This cause turns him cynicism. Grant feels superior then most African American and feels he deserves to be treated better. As the article in African American Review Volume 23 No.3 analyzes Grant saying  “Yet, despite his cultural sophistication, Grant is much like everyone else in wanting something better.” Though he acts bitter and takes out his frustration on the wrong people. For example in the book “A Lesson before Dying” Grant Wiggins takes out his frustration on his pupils. On page 78 in A lesson Before Dying “I caught one of the students trying to figure out a simple multiplication problem on his fingers and I slashed him hard across the butt with the Westcott ruler.” He took out his frustration on the kids. The frustration from his own past and the fact he was being forced to make Jefferson a man was gaining on him.  He was also frustrated because in his past his teacher took it out on his own students so he continues the cycle of mistreatment. Grant was discriminating his own people because he w setter but he comes to realize they are all the same.

Grant Wiggins as a school teacher was trying to influence Jefferson on becoming a man before he died since he had lost himself and his family didn’t want him to die without dignity. Jefferson was stubborn on the idea that the words said on court were his reality. Although Grant was visiting Jefferson by other circumstances Grant felt sympathy and also anger towards Jefferson.Grant had no self-confidence to confront what seem so norm to him. “We black men have failed to protect our women since the time of slavery. We stay here in the South and are broken, or we run away and leave them alone to look after the children and themselves. So each time a male child is born, they hope he will be the one to change this vicious circle - which he never does (Gaines 167). He was not religious and had a very indifferent to life itself it seem as if he had given up on his kind and others, He was the guy that wanted change but never really did anything, He himself oppressed by a lifetime of discrimination had lost his dignity and watching .Jefferson stand up for what he believe made him realize how weak he was.Grant understood that his coward behavior had lead him into leaving a bitter and cynical life and although he blamed others for in realty it was he who had cause his own misfortune. He preached to Jefferson without taking his own words inconsideration. As he proclaimed to Jefferson that the words and actions of the white did not matter; yet he was very well effect by them and had caused him to become the man  the white wanted to envision as the African American figure. 

In the article A Lesson about Manhood: Appropriating "The Word" in Ernest Gaines's "A Lesson before Dying" by Philip Auger, Auger wrote “Grant feels that his role as an educator bears no promise of producing change either; he finds that he must work to promote the dominant white supremacist ideology or not work at all.” Philip Auger was detailing the Alta median in Grants life for the better. He would not do any good if he was helping the white supremacy.

Grants discrimination from other reflected on his attitude. Mathew Antoine, Grant’s teacher, stated “I am superior to you. I am superior to any one blacker than me.” This has a great impact on his views in his life and how he treats his students. Grant struggled with being a teacher and an African American he himself said on page 102 “I tried to deicide just how I should respond to them. Whether I should act like the teacher that I was, or like the nigger that I was supposed to be.” If he portrayed as himself as an educated man it would offend white people like Mr. Sam Guidry and Henri Pichot. This example When he was speaking to Sheriff Henry Picot he was careful to his choice of words and was fearful if he ever spoke correctly. Grant is limited to what he can be or woe he is since society puts him down and limits him. He is fearful, because deep inside he knows he is suppress by the dictation of the white popularity. He knows deep inside he could have been a victim such as, Jefferson. Grant struggled with the idea of the teacher he wanted to be and the teacher he was. He struggled with the being the “nigger” or the well-educated African American. His life was a battle of putdowns which made him feel he had no choice and considering no African American in the south had a choice.

“What do I say to him? Do I know what a man is? Do I know how a man is supposed to die? I’m still trying to find out how a man should live. Am I supposed to tell someone how to die who has never lived?” Grant helps Jefferson but in this experience everyone else around him does to. They both self-discover that they themselves define what kind of men they want to be to. Jefferson loses his dignity and starts believing he is a criminal but Grant explains, “They sentence you to death because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, with no proof …” He wants Jefferson to start seeing him innocent and to leave this world with his dignity that he deserves. Grant starts putting the idea of fighting the fact he was helping him and sees that it takes a lot to die in his situation. Grant started to face his fear of what society viewed him and started to analyze how his own culture helps the “white men”. Although Grant Wiggins is a teacher he had not learned how to help his people in reality because in most cases he was damaging, and cooperating with the pain and struggle. Jefferson was a victim of the 1940’s but as Grant had never understood what a man truly was as the transition of the story.  As the relationship between Jefferson and Grant becomes closer so did Grants actions become more open to support the people around him such as, his aunt and Miss Emma.  

Grant confronts his own ideas and faces reality he is transforming Jefferson and starts to be honest with himself. Grant Wiggins says “A myth is an old lie that people believe in. White people believe that they're better than anyone else on earth--and that's a myth. The last thing they ever want is to see a black man stand, and think, and show the common humanity that is in us all. It would destroy their myth. They would no longer have justification for having made us slaves and keeping us in the condition we are in. As long as none of us stand, they're safe. They're safe with me. They're safe with Reverend Ambrose. I don't want them to feel safe with you anymore (Gaines 192). He faces Jefferson to see that the people judging him and labeling are in fact wrong and scared themselves. A Lesson about Manhood: Appropriating "The Word" in Ernest Gaines's "A Lesson before Dying" is an article reviews Grants self-perception by saying “Grant realize that the powerlessness of the Jefferson is, in fact, not so different from the powerlessness he himself feels.” The only way he can prevail that myth  says Philip Auger is by showing it is false. Grant contemplates the lies of the white the one institution that controls all colors  was destroyed and token control for themselves they can have some sort of power and defense.

In the article “The common humanity that is in us all”: Toward Racial Reconciliation in Gaines's “A Lesson Before Dying” Piacentino, Ed claims Grant hopes of mankind comes from Paul .Grant describes the moments when they visited Jefferson, Piacentino use that moment of a description of “When Paul is not present either for conversation or for the cautious exchange of supporting looks and gestures, Grant feels a void, noticeably missing the white deputy's kindness and concern.” The article states that Grant stops judging white men and actually take Paul’s action as gratitude. As in African American Review the idea that the narrator concerns within Grant are analyzed David E. Vancil says “As narrator, Wiggins is immersed in his own concerns and relate to his community from a perspective of superiority…”(489).Paul was not just a big influence to Grant Wiggins but as a whole helped Jefferson . Paul was a big part of the transformation in Grant for he was a true friend and sympathizes with Jefferson‘s death and the African American struggle. Grant saw Paul as a fresh air in the south. Paul made hi realize what good things Grant had in his life and to appreciate it. Grant was effected by Jefferson death strongly and more than he would think because Grant was accepting Jefferson and becoming more use to visiting him. When Grant accepts the friendship with Paul he is regaining himself. It was a self-identity struggle which seems to end at the same time he stops being so rages and bitter. Nothing is certain of Grant desire to change dramatically but it did change his refelction on himself. Ernest Gaines used a strategy to tie down the resemblance of each ultimate factor or difficulty Grant went to as a way for he to find himself and defeat his inner conflict.

Work Cited

Auger, Philip. "A Lesson About Manhood: Appropriating 'The Word' in Ernest Gaines's 'A Lesson Before Dying'." The Southern Literary Journal, 27.2 (1995): 74-85

. Folks, Jeffrey. "Communal Responsibility in Ernest J. Gaines's a Lesson Before Dying." Mississippi Quarterly, 52.2 (1999): 259-271.

Gaines, Ernest J. A Lesson before Dying. New York: A. A. Knopf, 1993. Print.

Piacentino, Ed. "'The Common Humanity That is in Us All': Toward Racial

Reconciliation in Gaines's 'A Lesson Before Dying'." Southern Quarterly, 42.3 (2004): 73-85.

Vancil, David. African American Review, 28.3 (1994): 489-491.

Ferris, Bill. "A Conversation with Ernest Gaines." The National Endowment for the Humanities. Web. 07 Dec. 2011. <http://www.neh.gov/news/humanities/1998-07/gaines.html>.

Space Project Draft

Imelda Rodríguez P.A.S Estudies 113B Professor Broadous March 22, 2012 Modern Homeless Space is defined by the three dimensional area given to an extent. People may not take into consideration the magnitude space has to a person but as 2012 most people had to limit their space or lose it. Spaces such as a home, a classroom, a shelter or even a car are all at risk. All these spaces are very valuable to people and throughout time they have been restrained. Homes have been taken away from many families and even their cars. Classrooms have been over packed and the resources in shelters have been limited. All comes to show that space is very necessary and at some point defines the occupant. In today the wealthier have more space and those living in poverty construct in the little space they have affecting their psychological, educational, and resourceful way out. Since the beginning of the recession there have been many families that have lost their homes, people that might not seem the ideal stereotypical homeless. As our country goes into a collapse economically the homeless rate increases tremendously. As of 2012 the criteria of a homeless people in California comes from the housing marketing. Historically, when spoken of homeless person it is said to have related attributions such as; drug abuse, alcoholism and mental disorder. In 2007 the National Alliance to End Homelessness stated California to be the top holders of homeless people. Over the years economy has worsen, unemployment increased and the middle class became to live the poverty life. Since the recession 71 and1/2 million jobs were lost causing many families to lose their homes. Homes of the middle class people have been affected turning them homelesss. Homeless is caused by the unemployment and the high cost of living. Many families have been evicted out of their homes and have lost their personal space causing them to loose self-respect and humiliation. These families have to live day by day causing them to feel less self-sufficient. I met this young girl a he L.A Mission in skit row she was very embarrassed o talk about her living conditions but most of all she said she felt like as if she never will be able to have more and succeeded more .Coming from a normal home she was left with nothing which she said will never forget. She became isolated and shyer. Her confidence had dropped causing her to be less participated and socialize. Like her 16 million other kids scared living in poverty that’s is 16 million since 1962 and no counting those hiding from government officials. Space in schools has been limited. Since most schools are having to cu teachers and join classes causing classes to be from 30 students and more. Schools in low income or as public schools have to find space in class to fit students to overcrowd. Students have less attention and fade those who need help. Teachers are overwhelmed with the quantity of students in charge it is a lot harder to teach students. Although education is their only chance out for these students they don’t have resources or he space to do homework. Homeless children can live from hotels to their car. Places where light, computers, and a quiet environment are questioned. Students have to worries besides their homework like if there is going to be food in a table or where are they going to sleep. Even their safety is in question. Homeless children have to deal with adult problems and still be a kid. The idea that there little space where they can feel comfortable is taken away and live in a very questionable world where nothing is certain. As in the move from Homeless to Harvard Liz, a homeless child fights her way out by relying on her education but in these days education is not a definite solution for homelessness. Many well educated people are homeless. I met this amazing woman named Bianca Gaines who had a master’s in education and got pink slipped. After losing her job she piled her bills lost her home and car she ended up in a shelter but which is really hard to find jobs with no security address. Education is a way out but it’s not a secure one. Becoming homeless is not the hard part but having to deal with all their integrity n coming to terms with it .The idea that the one place you are safe is lost makes you feel uncertain o other things. Their home is the one place they feel secure and confident. Students need their homes and education which will help them succeed and have belter futures, but when that is taken away there only sources cut off. Their space is the only resource cut down which cuts into their basic necessities and their materials to focus in class. Most students fight for their well-being and have to put their school as a second priority. Homeless is increasing with their entire place being cut down and left on their own. The economy is bad because the 10 percent is being richer and the rest is just losing their jobs. The government should not mix Wall Street with our choices and allow us to prosper as a country. There are fewer shelters less volunteers and founding for places which are needed. Everything is getting harder for a place at the shelter because they he specific requirements. Homes are taken away and in perspective that is where there memories, clothing and food where. Starting from zero is not an easy step especially for those families that thought would never be in this position but are and have no idea what they would do or will do. Each source of space helps and every little is needed because it can help another family in need. Each family is lucky enough to get a room or any sort of roof under their heads. A place they can be safe, have food, and have the ability to leave and get up in their feet. Families are in need all over the united states but California at is most since their housing market is going down the grown a lot of frauds and miss-managements have been done where families who don’t have an understanding or have lost their homes cause them. The loss of a home makes a cycle of losing a lot more than a home but little by little everything. As our country homeless goes at rise our economy is falling but if we don’t start addressing and participating into programs or places that help the homeless most of our future will be growing in the streets. The children’s are now put more into the trouble of trying to succeed with a luggage that they never had before. The future of hi country is relying on many homeless families but their requirements have been cut down and put at its worst. Volunteering can change a family and a shelter. Contributions such as donations and any part of giving back can help a family in need food banks are low and so are their volunteers. They need all that to be able to provide and make families to get of this outrageous situation

Narrative Story

Imelda Rodriguez

                PAS 113B

                23 Feb 2012

Narrative; Apprication In Life

Living in the Upper East Side of Manhattan might seem easy to others but my life was nowhere easy. My luxurious lifestyle caused me my own life. It’s hard to explain of my death but it’s easier when you know my background.

            My name is Haley Vasser and I died at the age twenty-one. Barley blossoming into the flower I wanted to become my pedals where destroyed. I was born in Manhattan New York and lived there most of my life. All I ever really knew was the city and the glamour. I am no typical “rich girl “if that’s what you’re thinking my family is what you call new money. My mother is a European woman who most of her life worked to give us everything materialistic she could. I call her Ella and no, it’s not a nick name. She is Ella Vasser the famous magazine editor form Vogue. She is tall and refine always entering into a room she always makes quite the impression. Especially, if you are wearing a channel velvet dress and those Louie Vuitton to a graduation it makes people stare and talk. Ella is a walking runway and that is no exception in our home. She arrived in New York aspiring to be in the fashion industry as a distinguish designer, she lost all that to become a mother of four. There are days when the frustration gets to her and you can see deep inside her eyes she resents us and maybe that’s why she was never really there. My mother was a hopeless romantic and for a while she believed in the happily ever after. Until, my father destroyed her. He is known as Emmanuel Suarez he was a former Venezuela model. Emmanuel was never really a father or a provider he was the man that lived in my home, which I never really saw, talked to or had any familiar authority. In reality none of my parents did. My relationship with my parent it’s very different than most. Even though my so called father lived in my home he traveled, cheated on Ella and had his mid-life crisis that lasted all my life. I never really put much attention since my siblings and I spent most our time at our aunts and uncles. I believe that’s where we found our family orientation in all our messy life. We learned in their home to understand the meaning of family and to always stay together as siblings. If it was not because of that I don’t think we would have lasted that long.  At an early age I noticed my parents weren’t ever going to really help us with our homework, take us on family vacation or pick us up from school after parents meeting.

 My older brother Markus is now twenty-three, Savannah who was eleven, and Dylan the youngest who is now nineteen made a pact at a young age to take care of each other no matter what. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to keep that promise since Savannah died when she was eleven. Savannah died of leukemia and it was the hardest thing I dealt with. Markus and I were in charge of Savannah and Dylan. The day she collapses on her ballet recital was the scariest moment for us. In front of the auditorium full of people she collapse and was taken to the hospital immediately. I had nightmares of that day so many times usually I would wake up and Markus would take care of me until my eyes closed. As usual Ella was working and Emmanuel was nowhere to be found. Ella arrived four hours later, by that time we had already been notified that Savannah had Acute Leukemia which the doctor said sneaked up on Savannah. The doctors said she was in high risk and there was very little to be done at that point. Ella tried to find the best doctor but there was no use. I am sure those days where the only time Ella was with us and her façade was dropped. Savannah was leaving us every minute that passed by and I was just fourteen with no idea what death meant. Savannah knew what was bound to happen. She asked to spend time at home with the family but the one person she wanted the most was Emmanuel and for one reason or another he never arrived on time. She died over night on August 19. All of us where devastated those where the coldest and darkest days of our life. I was not capable of forgiving them because all I ever wanted was to grow with my sister. Ella turned into a workaholic and left us for two years. All I knew from her was what I read from the editorials and Vogue. Although I didn’t does much reading I was so focus on feeling gone after her death. My siblings and I grieved in different ways but we never parted. Markus was the strongest off all of us; he took his anger in the ring boxing his frustration until he injured his shoulder. Every time he stepped in ring it was if he was as if he was trying to get hurt. I saw as in his green eyes how much anger and hatred he had. Right after Savannah’s death I only saw him cry once every time we would speak of Savannah he would walk away. Until now I see the strength he has which I wish he had after my death. Dylan was the youngest o he didn’t really know how to grieve but he sheltered himself in his head .I always tried to get in but. Plenty of therapist tried the only therapy he really did manage to get into his brain was On the other hand I took it the hardest I destroyed myself for a year with drugs. It was the hard to grow up in my living conditions but losing my sister took a turn in my life. It made me realize that even though I had a build a bond so strong it was not on my hands to keep. I couldn’t even control my life as I thought. It took all of us therapy sessions and a lot of time to accept and keep on living. After Savannah died I never was capable of forgiving Emmanuel for his absence during the worst time of our life. Even, Ella was more supportive to Savannahs condition but he had no heart. Savannah had hopes and aspirations to become a classical dancer in Broadway, she was a total dreamer. She taught me to dream big and to fight for my dreams but she never taught me how to live without her.

I was taught by life to be independent.  Of Most of that was taken care by our Aunt Marie and Uncle Anthony. I called them Titi and Tio Tonio. Tio Tonio was my father’s brother the only thing good that came from his side of the family. They were most of the time with us we always thank them for that every day. Ella was the full provider so I can’t really blame her for her absence but sometimes I wish she would have had more time for us at a young age. Memories of my childhood revolved around my private school, alone at home or at my aunt and uncle.  Everyday my Titi would drop us off and Tio Tonio would pick us up. I was picked on because my aunt owned an old Ford thunderbird in which they picked us up on. Besides, the low income of my Titi and Tio I loved them so much that I saw passed that. All I ever really wanted was love and they sure gave it to me and my siblings. As Latinos, I would hear those speaking Spanish but I know very little since Ella never allowed it at home and Emmanuel rarely spoke it in front of me. Even though I was very intrigued by mu culture all I ever really got to know growing up was the little Ella provided of her European roots. I learned very little of Venezuela since Ella strictly told Titi and my Tio to not speak anything related to it. Ella was to resentful of my father and anything related to him. It’s a surprise she didn’t separate us from Titi and my Tio. I guess deep inside she knew you she need their help and by the time we were old enough to opinion she knew well enough we would not allow her to take them away from us . They truly taught us our morals; I always said to Ella that the good humanitarian we turned into was the creation of Titi and my tio. Ella always walked away, just like all those times we needed her. Tio was the only man figure I respected besides Markus. When we were young we would have family dinners and those were the time I like to remember when I was scared in bed. The times we had with our Titi and my Tio where the most precious to us. Markus, Dylan, Savannah and me were always ecstatic to go over to their humble home with two bedrooms. One day Markus and I decided to sell our toys to help Titi with the bills but Ella punished us. I never really understood Ella and her morals but I chose to not follow them.

Ella lives the elite life in New York. Ella had the idea that if she provided us with money and class we would be happy and love her. Ella fought to provide us since Emmanuel wasted his money on himself. I do understand Ella now but she got caught up on the glorious lifestyle and lost her family. It was hard to realize how much she did for us but sometimes having materialistic stuff is not all as necessary. My brothers and I would have given our cars and expensive wardrobe just to have an hour a day with Ella. She took all of our childhood making us grow up a mile per hour. We tried many times to show her love but times her dress was one of a kind channel and she could not risk wearing it around us. She and Emmanuel got divorced until I was eighteen, not a shocker. Emmanuel walked out and never turned back. Ella before my death tried to reunite and bond but I had twenty three of resentment and lonely memories which would not erase. Ella was never the same after Savannahs death and so was our relationship.

In my teenage years I spent it mostly with Markus and Dylan. Ella provided us with the opportunity to travel and have everything we wanted. I am not going to lie the materialistic things did replace the empty space but it was never enough. Markus and I would guilt Ella into getting us out of school to travel to London or Milan She never had a backbone. It was mostly her fault for depriving us of a mother, might as well make the best of it. We were very well known in school not that I care. Markus on the other hand took every pleasure out of it and I mean it. He was the total ladies’ man. Six foot tall, nicely built, with green eyes and hazelnut hair. He was always getting himself in trouble. He wore everything from Armani and such known brands and the girls were so naïve at school they feel for his façade.

Well, I had another out coming in school. I was petite as can be with the most beautiful green bubbly eyes that match my emerald necklace. The emerald necklace my sister gave me before she passed away. The necklace is the most precious treasure so dear to me.  Everyone in school wanted to be my friend, acquaintance or what not, but I was more of the outcast by choice. I was shy at times but when I needed to speak I would speak up. I was Haley Vasser the girl everyone wanted to hang out with for her name and lifestyle. I just wished people would have met me without my Louis Vuitton bag and my Jimmy Choo’s. The simple girl that wanted to become a CEO.  I was no interested on having friends and when I did they knew nothing of me. I remember I would sit in the table with the so call elite students and end up smiling and talking to the guys. I had little interest on making friends but I was always surrounded by people oddly enough. Everyone wanted to meet Ella and go to our condo. I never understood what was their anxiety to get to know me until, after I died. Don’t get me wrong I was social but I was not those perky girls with their group of friends that always had to be together. It was never my thing I hanged out in the crowed said hello here and there and then I was off. Markus, Dylan and I had created this sort of system in which our acquaintance stared questioning us we would start acting if as we were interested in their life. That poker face never failed. One thing you have to now in the Upper East Side everyone is very self-center. I was a professional at muting and smiling. Markus and I were best friends so we would tell each other everything like the ignorance and discrimination we heard from these rich folks. I tried every little to keep my brothers together but Dylan was just a mess to be reckoned with. He sung out of control trying to call attention. Elle never gave him the attention necessary even though Markus and I tried but we were just kids. Kids which never really got the attention needed either. I know in the future Dylan will learn and grow in a more loving environment. I just love him so truly with the deepest love a sister can give. If I could have saved him the pain, I would have done it on a hear beat.

Family was the only thing that kept me going, well let’s say the part that supported me and maybe through my life I felt ungrateful and at times felt like it would have not mattered if  actually didn’t exist anymore. But, I was beyond illusive. Life in my world was dark a lonely. Now I see that life is at you make it. A little too late for me but not for my brothers they are beginning to blossom into what they want and more and create there life with all these wonderful things. Traveling always made me open my eyes that my life was not as bad as I thought and maybe just maybe I should stop the wining.  All it might seem I’m doing is wine and unflatter my life but I’m not. Yes, my life was not a perfect picture but no one is truly this is a memoir of what I use to have, what I lost and how I lost it.

I left to USC expecting a bright and ionic future. All I ever wanted is to cut loose from everything that reminded me of New York. New York was always my home but a home full of pains and daily reminders of what I needed to be and what I couldn’t be. New York made sure I knew what I didn’t have and that pain was vivid through my eyes. I might be called running but to me was the prospering in my life. Leaving my tears and all that felt dead to be gone at least for a while until I was okay with what I went through. I left with the pain of the separation of my siblings but they knew I needed to leave. They saw how it was destroying me to stay here and fetch on what people wanted it to be. All I ever wanted is to find myself and college was the best thing in doing so. I remember the day I left was a bitter sweet for me. I cried of happiness as well of sadness. As tears dropped my face I remembering everything I went through Savannah, Elle, and even Emmanuel. All these flashbacks came to me and my eyes filled with salty water started to put down my cheeks. I felt I can finally breathe and this exhilarating. I went to use for a whole year and felt for the first time I could socialize and be myself. It was a whole new world which I was living and day by day was covering my past with beautiful memories I created. I made friendships that were so strong and I could honestly say I trust them.

Bounds are the strongest thing in a person it is what stops you from feeling alone. I know what it is to feel alone and it can destroy you. On my sophomore year of college I made these incredible friends Alia and Adam. We planned our trip to Europe and even though I had traveled so many times I wanted to go with a new perspective in life. I felt if I went across the country and I felt much better maybe going to another country I would be another person. I remember when I informed my brothers and Elle. I found out on half of my summer vacation. I told them three days before I left and Markus was not supportive over it. I always question myself if he had a feeling. I think for a definite goodbye it was one of the most amazing one. My brothers spent every minute convening. Emmanuel even said his last words. His last words are what will scar him his whole entire life, which I know. I know that’s his biggest punishment to him is known your last words to your daughter were “You were a mistake, that I wish you I never had.” I know I didn’t forget. I cried that night and balled my eyes out until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I had a feeling he wanted to say that all my life but he didn’t have to because his eyes said it all. I don’t speak much of Emmanuel because there is more feeling than words to be said about him, it breaks me to accept he affected me so deeply. I never like accepting the power he had of my pain. Good byes are painful but more when you’re saying goodbye to your existence. Saying to Markus and Dylan were the only boys I trusted. Those boys where my life and words can’t describe how much I would of loved to see them grow up day by day. My last words to Markus were “I can finally say I’m O.K” and he said “I love you sis and being O.K isn’t good enough I want you be infatuated with life.” I hugged him and gave him a kiss. The three of us hugged Dylan with tears in his eyes hugged me and said promise me you will come back on time for graduation. I regret to say I didn’t keep that promise.

I left to study abroad on an adventure and the adventure ended with my body slaughtered. I left Europe on May with my two close friends Alia and Adam. I met them my freshman year. Alia and I got really close on freshman year she was my roommate and she was one of the few girls in classes that were part of the minority so it was nice to have her. Even though she her parents where from Dominican Republic which seems so much different. She spoke so fast in Spanish I always had a feeling when she was mad she would curse at me but I had no clue. She is of a dark complexion but has the brightest smile and the most humble soul I met.  Adam on the other had was a Caucasian total opposite met him in at a frat party and after a while we became super close he my best friend. After sometime he turned into the guy I feel for. He and I didn’t realize it until I we went to Paris. The most real and sincere feeling. Falling in love in Paris should be enough but dying also in Paris is pretty hard to forget. I was completely blinded from our friendship. Adams handsome looks and beautiful blue eye’s won me over. I always thought he was good looking but he had a golden heart. He was tall, preppy, funny and he was up for adventures. He got stuck in the friend zone but Paris brought us together. He has the greatest personality and I hope he finds himself a girl even though I loved him deeply. He might have had something to do with my death well it actually had a lot. I don’t blame him although he does.

Adam and I didn’t speak much but our actions were beyond what we felt. We were intense. When we arrived to Paris we went site seeing and hanged out with new people. Those were the two reasons of why we got together. He was seeing new people which seem to trigger a jealous part of me and I started to see other people to which made him realize he couldn’t live without me. We had huge arguments over our acquaintance until one day we were walking on towards the Eiffel Tower and snap. We poured out our feelings and kissed. He knew me completely and knew I thought it was so cheesy but it’s truly how it happened. Adam and I were inseparable he and I were actually thinking of a future. I never thought of a future but he made me want one and want to have these things that I never thought of having. He made me open up of my past, he turned me upside down. I didn’t believe in love but I felt I had found my soul mate. I would look into his blue eyes and I trusted him completely. Adam made me start believing in others and I started to live. I could lay in bed for ours with him and feel like a day was an hour. Adam brought the best in me he didn’t care of all the glamour life. He wanted me to be myself and not apologize over it. I feel madly in love and though dead I won’t forget his lips or warmth. I just hope he can fall in love again soon to menace his heart and so I can just be a nice memory even though I will love him beyond my existence. I want him to be happy and for one day to make him as happy as he did to me. I want someone to light a smile on him with a simple hello, I want him to have his princess and to have a companion that truly connects and loves him as much as he did that to me. I lived my fairytale with Adam and in every fairytale there is a villain.

Aubrey Ross my childhood friend and my villain/killer, yes I was murdered. Aubrey and I went to the same Psychologist so from time to time we would bump into each other in the waiting room. Besides, that we attended the same school all through high school making us some weird way rely on each other. We sat in together but grew apart after Savannah died. I knew Aubrey’s past and it was not that warming. Her mother died in front of her at the age of 8 which scar her for life. Her mother killed herself. We never really spoke about it because it would get her off edge. Aubrey looked off edge most of the time but in high school she was the most known and popular girl in school which made her the normal one. For the wrong or the right reasons but she was happy that way. We grew apart and left our separate ways until by faith of life were put in the same study abroad program. I rather hope it was not destiny.  We spent so much time together in the program. We decided rekindled our friendship and had the best time in Paris. Until, she was turning over obsessive or the smallest things. She would wake up screaming, leave in the middle of the night. One night I woke up with her eyes staring straight at me, no blink, and no movement. It startled me. I allowed her to be close to me cause of her life but she was so stuck on her high school life. All she ever talked about was being popular and having money, although she made me swear not to tell anyone her family was bankrupt. It seems she was so obsess on what others thought and her shallow world. Every time I and Adam hanged out she would try to guilt me into staying or find an excuse of why he needed to leave. One day I found pile pictures of Adam and I cut into pieces. The same day I confronted her and she started screaming and getting violent. I told Adam and he said to stop seeing her but I felt bad for the girl. I was helping her pay of most of her stuff there and she only had me. I gave her a chance to explain herself but I gave to many chances. The chances she never gave.

I met with her for a late coffee drink. I asked her why she was being so illogical and she politely came up with excuses and she seemed to have an answer for everything. Except for the pills she was taking. I had found them in the trashcan. She told me to leave everything behind and to start new. Aubrey said she wanted to make amended and sick and we went back to her place. I was rather feeling dizzy and sick so I thought that was a great idea.  We were heading to her room and I started to feel wiry. My eyes felt they were closing by the second and that was my end. I woke up with my hands tied to the ceiling filled with blood around them. I remember feeling my mouth dry and weak. I woke up feeling tired and out of breath. She watered me since I asked for water. She would lay electric wires near the water poodle next to my feet. She kept repeating to herself that I was stealing her from her life. I had the perfect lifestyle in her eyes but she had no idea. I resisted but she just got more violent. She would kick me and would grab my face was her own training tool. I felt my lip and eyes bumpy. The pulse started to get strong and I suddenly lost vision in one eye. She made me beg her and implore her for water which I never got. The second day was the hardest between the cracks of a covered window the sun stare right in my eyes. The injuries caused me to have  a high fever which made me sweat so much she had to untie me and keep me in a closet. I started to hallucinate and called for Markus and Adam. She got aggravated and kicked me until I puked clogs of blood. I knew was dehydrating inside and out. I was no doctor but my injuries were getting worst. I thought about everything in life which I was so pleased to have experience. The second day in the afternoon Aubrey arrived with some tools in a gym bag. She started taking out knifes and all these silver utensils which would appear to be in an operating room. I was no longer scared when I knew my end. I cried and smiled because I went through most of my memories wishing I could experience again. I thought about Titi, Tio Toni, Markus, Dylan, Ella, and Adam. I thought about how they would feel to find my body. I didn’t care about my death because a little part of me felt death inside already.  I just wish I would have never taste the sweetness of love and the ability to feel happy. Then death would have been a consistent line with no difference. I was not going to last very long since I felt my body light as a feather hanging from one thread that was no longer strong. She felt so threaten by the questions my family and Adam were doing. She was starting to panic so my life had to be ended the only proof that could vanish her. Aubrey was mentally unstable and it was obvious. Aubrey brought me flowers; she said it was to show her admiration towards me. Her obsession with me ended with me. She peeled my skin slowly I screamed and yell. The pain was excruciating my blood was streaming down my face. She continued to peel and peel until I was to light headed to notice that my soul was no longer attached to my flesh. Trust me I felt every single thing she did to me as I died. I felt my eyes close as a single pedal fell from the flowers. I never really confronted death even when Savannah died. My death was painful for my families since my body was found on this hidden lake in France. They found me some parts of my body and my emerald necklace. That was how my Mother Ella recognized me. She and my family too time of to spend time with each other after my death. My brothers were rushed but found support from one another. It was nice for them to finally confront Ella and make her stop her ideal of a life and reality. They found peace and grew closer together because the fear of losing someone else was something they could not handle.

Appreciation for life is not something human beings are born with. I had to discover that life didn’t owe me anything for me to expect a better one. I myself had to create it. I started living the day Adam and I stranded in front of the Eiffel Tower. I loved my life and the people that wanted to be in it. One thing is true humanity cannot be restrained from pain. As for my family and loved ones that watched me grow and watched me disappear I hope there pain doesn’t last longer than the time it too to read this. I am a free soul given the chance to speak thought the voice in my heart and the scars of my life.